Who is Going to Take Care of Me?

Right now, I’m in the dark of my studio typing this out with tears on my face. I just got done begging God to help me. Begging to be able to bring my baby home. I haven’t had a full nights sleep in months. My baby isn’t home but my body still needs to pretend that he is. I’m up twice throughout the night to pump and I pump every two hours during the day. Sometimes I don’t get to do that because I’m stopping by by every hand sanitizing station on my way to the Intensive Care Neonatal Unit, feverishly washing my hands, putting my phone through a UV sanitizer, all while wearing a face mask just to see my baby. I’m there with him alone too because Covid-19 won’t allow us to be a family with the new hospital visitation rules in place. Only one visitor at a time, once a day. Anyway, I don’t always get to pump every two hours because I’m desperately holding tight to the baby that I can’t take home with me. I’m usually there, holding him, feeding him, you know? Trying to be his mama through all of this. Not letting go even though there is a pain in my chest from not pumping. I eventually have to though. I have to use the bathroom because I’m too afraid to use the public restroom now. I’m hungry because if I take off my mask for just a few minutes, I’m deathly afraid that I’m not being the best protective mother I can be. So, I gather my things and say goodbye to my sweet child. I sanitize again on my way back to the car and again when I’m in the car.

Before you know it, I’m home again. I have to pump again. I have to cook dinner again. I have to tend to the sick husband who needs me too. The baby’s laundry is dirty. Milk needs to be inventoried and frozen. I have to take off these contaminated clothes. I need a shower. I don’t eat though because I often forget to eat. I do get a few minutes to myself to cry when I’m in the shower. I’m ready for bed but I only get to sleep two hours until I’m up to pump again. There is so much that needs to be done. There are people that I need to taken care of. But who’s going to take care of me?

Who is going to take care of me?

April 26, 2020
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  • Reply Kirsten

    This breaks my heart to read this! <3 COVID-19 is making a bad situation worse for you 🙁 I don't know you but I know that you need to take care of yourself right now. You need to get sleep, eat, and do the everyday things that keep your strength up. I know it must be hard beyond belief right now and it's the last thing on your mind and you think it's impossible to do but you MUST, if you become sick then you can't take care of anyone. You need to set aside time each day to take care of yourself or you will burn out. I really hope things stabilize for you and I am keeping you, your husband and baby in my thoughts and prayers and I pray the little one gains strength from you because you obviously have tons of it to be able to deal with this on your own right now if your husband is sick. You can get through this. <3<3<3

    May 9, 2020 at 10:48 am
  • Reply Kassy


    January 11, 2021 at 3:35 am
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