This is such a weird season of life for me. When it seems as if I have found myself, it becomes increasingly aware that I know absolutely nothing about who I am. It’s exhausting, if I’m being honest. During the moments I’ve stepped away from the blog, I attempted to be more mindful and take things slow to try and recover some of what I thought I knew. These are the things that I have found instead.
Mental Health and all that jazz
I was finally properly diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. These things I am not surprised with and I tried to deal with them on my own and hide them but I felt like it was time to open up. It was actually relieving to here a professional say it to me. And not just say it but say it with actual concern. We can all admit it, I don’t have much of a support system. I know I have lots of lovely people who are there for me when I do open up but people just don’t seem to check in anymore. I feel like being so connected with so many different forms of communication has exhausted the will to use them for good. Either that or we have lost the ability to read what a person needs from you because technology doesn’t give way for human emotion. I don’t know what it is but don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends.
Anyway, long story short, I have an appointment with a trauma therapist at the end of this month. I’m encouraged and hopeful. I think that’s a good start.
Making my own luck
I say that but in reality, I know that it is truly a blessing beyond my own power and understanding that Josh and I are getting to visit Ireland this year.
Let me let you in on a little secret. Choosing to be a stay-at-home wife and living off of one income is a sacrifice. I recently had this talk with a friend but making that conscious choice for your family takes patience and a whole lot of faith. Not to mention skill and thoughtfulness. It’s hard but it has also been rewarding. It took a long time to get to a place where we can began to see some of those rewards but we certainly do appreciate them. Makes them feel all the more special.
So, yes, we get to see the Emerald Isle. A Dream come true and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ll tell you a little more about that in my next point
Well, what do you know? A girl has dreams
That’s right, a misses with a dream that she plans on following through with. Remember when I said that I was going to Ireland? It turns out that I’m writing a novel that is based in Ireland. So, perfect research trip, am I right?
In all seriousness, I couldn’t be more excited about this chance. It feels like puzzle pieces of this venture keeps revealing itself. In high school, all I wanted to be was a writer. My favorite English teacher always told me to write what I know. It turned out that you don’t know very much at age 14 but soon after, life hit me in the gut like a bull. Now, at age 30, I’ve lived so much life and tragedy that the novel wrote itself. Then the want to write that novel came. Then the ability to do a dream of a research trip was made possible. I don’t know where this is going to lead but I’m liking where it’s headed already.
New friends and real friends
Is it me or does it seem as if more and more people lack the ability to be genuinely happy for you? Trying to live a life that is good has made some of the closest people in my life so terribly jealous and I totally don’t get it! If there is only one thing that is true in this world, it is that I am capable of being happy for someone even when I can’t be for myself. For some odd reason, certain individuals in our lives are perfectly content with Josh and Joy being down in out because it makes their lives look so much more amazing. Having good news to share nudged a few friends to show who they really are. It makes me sad, not going to lie. To my real friends, though, you just mean that much more to me. <3
My friend Jennifer is technically not a new friend but we hung out recently and said that we were going to hold one another accountable because we’re both really talented people who just need other talented people to help them through. So, follow her blog.
I never know how to organically sign off on a blog post. The gist of it is, I’m still learning about life. I’m still sad but I’m also human and I’m trying my butt off. Hang in there with me guys.
Until I gather more spoons…